


You've Had Worse

by shishcabob22



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, Guilty Dean Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, Nightmares, Post-Hell, Worried Sam Winchester, sam winchester is a good brother, season 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-01 13:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15144584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shishcabob22/pseuds/shishcabob22
Summary: Dean knows that his experiences in Hell can't possibly compare with Sam's. Sam disagrees. Based on a prompt about Dean considering his suffering inferior to Sam's and Sam setting him straight. Set between 13x22 and 13x23.





	You've Had Worse

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I know, I know, I should be working on my Thought I Wouldn't Miss You series, but this idea wouldn't leave me alone. This piece is kind of a companion to You Remember Hell, Don't You? but it can be read by itself. Also, huge thanks to Kay Kay for the prompt!

Sam's eyes shot open. _Dammit._ He was rolling out of bed even as a second coarse yell echoed from Dean's room.

"Saaam!"

Sam stumbled down the hallway, running into walls in his haste to get to his brother.

He lurched into the doorway, breathing hard. Dean was writhing on the bed, pained lines prominent on his face. Sam walked slowly toward his brother's bed, careful not to startle him. Dean was _not_ a gentle riser, especially after dreams like these.

And if he had to guess--which was really more of a factual statement than a guess, considering he was practically a Dean-nightmare specialist by now--this was one of the really bad dreams. A Hell dream.

Sam gripped Dean's shoulder, shaking him a little. "Dean. Cmon man, wake up."

Dean's breathing eased and his eyes fluttered open. He couldn't seem to focus on anything at first, but when his eyes latched onto Sam, realization entered his gaze. He pushed himself up and swatted Sam's arms away from him.

While Dean steadied himself on the edge of his bed, Sam turned on Dean's bedside lamp. Dean rubbed his face with his hands as Sam dragged a chair up and sat so he was facing his brother. "Dean, are you--"

"Sammy, I'm fine. Go back to bed."

Sam stared at his brother. _Bullshit._  Dean's nightmares had been getting increasingly worse since the job with Bart the demon. In fact, Dean hadn't had nightmares this bad since the Mark, which meant whatever he'd remembered--seen, whatever--must have been just as bad.

Now that Sam thought about it, he hadn't heard Dean talk about Hell or seen him dream about it in years. The last time he could remember was way back when he was hallucinating Lucifer and leviathans tried to take over the world. But he also knew from experience that Hell didn't just go away. It lingered in the farthest corners of your mind, only to leap out when you least expected it. 

And Sam could tell looking at Dean now that Hell had jumped out at him in a bad way. His brother was pale and sweaty, with bruises under his eyes and the smell of liquor strong enough to reach Sam even from a good two feet away. He had a look in his eyes that Sam didn't like one bit.

Not to mention everything that had happened recently in the Apocalypse world. That would likely fuel both of their nightmares for a long time.

So no, Dean was not _fine._  And Sam was going to stop listening to him when he said he was.

Sam shook his head. "No." Dean looked up at him. "No, not until you tell me what's really going on with you."

Dean looked down and chuckled darkly. "I bet you can guess."

Sam let out a frustrated breath of air. "Dean, just talk to me, man."

Dean sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He got up from the bed, stepping out into the hall. Sam followed Dean all the way to the library, where his brother seemed to contemplate pouring himself a glass of whiskey, then decide he didn't care enough to use a glass. Dean took a gulp straight from the bottle, winced, then took a seat at the table. Sam sat across from him, waiting.

"You know, you and I have been through a lot of heavy crap. You'd think I'd be used to it." 

Sam took a breath before responding. "Dean, the stuff we've been through...that isn't the kind of thing anyone just gets used to. But all we got is each other right now, so...what was it?"

Dean sighed. "It was a lot of different things, Sam." He shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

A wave of intense frustration passed over Sam. He leaned forward, his voice quiet but stern. "The hell it doesn't."

Dean snapped his fingers, then pointed at Sam. "Exactly."

Sam was confused for a moment, then he realized. He had been right. "Hell."

Dean nodded. But Sam saw something in his brother's eyes that told him it wasn't the whole truth.

"What else?"

Dean looked down, avoiding Sam's gaze. "It was you," he said emotionlessly. "You were dead, again, because I couldn't save you." He let out a humorless chuckle. "No matter how hard I try, I can never--"

"Dean, what are you talking about?" Sam asked disbelievingly. "All you do is save me! That's like the story of your life!"

Dean raised his eyes to look at Sam. "I couldn't save you last time." He swallowed a mouthful of whiskey. "I couldn't save you from Azazel, I couldn't save you from Lucifer, I couldn't even save you from yourself." Dean shook his head. "I try my best Sam, I really do, but it's never enough. You get hurt, possessed, lose your soul, _die_. And you spent an eternity in the Pit. With _Lucifer._ I can't even begin to imagine..." 

Sam stood up. He was angry now. "What, and you think I don't feel the same way?"

Dean slumped over his drink. "That's not it, Sam. It's just...you go through so much crap you don't deserve, and I can never protect you enough."

Sam heard the words without Dean saying them out loud. _"I don't care what happens to me. I never really have. But I do care about what happens to my brother."_

Sam sighed and sat down again, his anger slipping away only to be replaced with a bone-deep weariness. "Dean...what I've gone through, it's no worse than anything you've experienced."

"Sam, Hell was..."

"A completely different experience for you than for me. That doesn't mean one was any worse than the other," Sam interrupted.

Dean leaned forward. "Sam, you _lost your mind_. If that doesn't spell worse for you, I don't know what does."

Sam flinched inwardly. That year after he'd gotten his soul dragged out of the pit wasn't one he eagerly remembered.

He considered his brother knowingly. "You think I can't see the guilt you still carry around with you, Dean? Maybe my head broke, but you can't tell me you came out of there in one piece either." 

Dean opened his mouth as if to say something, then looked down to study the tabletop. 

"Besides, Dean. I'm not just talking about Hell. It's like you said: we've both been through some pretty heavy crap. But we're still here, aren't we?"

Dean remained silent for a moment, then gave Sam a small grin. "Mostly."

Sam nodded back, then moved to get up. "Cmon, I'm too wired to sleep," Sam said. "Game of Thrones?"

Dean regarded his drink for a moment, then put the bottle away. "I'll make popcorn." 

Sam smiled to himself. Things were nowhere near perfect, but they were getting better. Dean would be okay--for a little while, at least--and that was all that mattered right now.

Soon the two brothers were sprawled on the lounge chairs in the Dean Cave (or whatever Dean was calling it these days) with a bowl of popcorn between them. As the episode was loading, Sam glanced over at Dean. His brother had a distant look on his face.

"You didn't deserve it either, you know." Sam said quietly.

For once, Dean didn't pretend not to understand. He just looked over and gave Sam a sad smile.

Then the episode was starting, but Sam couldn't bring himself to concentrate on the screen.

Not perfect, but better.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments and if you have any more ideas or inspiration or even ways I could make this fic better, please share!
> 
> Also, I may take Dean's Hell guilt and make a multi chapter story out of it later, but I have to finish my series first. And I'm sorry I didn't fit Cas, Jack, or Mary into this, I couldn't think of a way to. If I end up writing the multi chapter story I'll probably do that.


End file.
